It’s Not Meant to be Like This

My name is Paul. My wife, Mari, and I are parents of Harrison, Mia, Lachlan and Poppy.

Harrison is 6, Mia is eternally 5 days old, Lachlan forever 4 days old and Poppy is 18 months old.

Mia & Lachlan would have been three but were born at 25 weeks after Mari had spent a considerable amount of time in hospital. From the day they were born we were made very aware of the struggles that lay ahead and what the ultimate outcome was likely to be. During their four and five days with us, Mia and Lachlan fought on bravely, making us extremely proud parents. Upon their passing we had to organize their funeral and for us it was a time to share what we shared with Mia and Lachlan and do the best we could to make them proud of us.

The moment we set about arranging the funeral was probably the time I started grasping what it meant to be the father of deceased children and what I had to do to keep their names and the memories of them alive. During Mia and Lachlan’s funeral we shared stories, pictures, hopes and dreams. For some reason my thoughts kept coming out in rhyme.

Mia & Lachlan

It’s not meant to be like this
There are meant to be two more hearts that beat
There are meant to be four more hands to hold
There is meant to be the pitter-patter of four more feet

It’s not meant to be like this
Harrison is meant to set an example
There are meant to be two little people to give caution to and tell to be careful

It’s not meant to be like this
There is so much for us to teach and for you to learn
There are meant to be cuddles and kisses
Our hearts aren’t meant to ache and yearn

It’s not meant to be like this
We’re not meant to look at stars and know it’s you up there that make them shine
We’re not meant to dream precious thoughts forever that will only lead us to cry

It’s meant to be
The two of you running around with your brother
Getting bigger and growing with a special connection between one and other

It’s meant to be
Mum and Dad waking in the night
Going into your room to stroke your head, say some words and make things right

It’s meant to be
Diggers, dolls, dinosaurs and teddies
Spinning you round and around and blowing raspberries on your bellies

It’s meant to be
The five of us, our family
Mia and Lachlan with Mummy, Daddy, Harrison and of course Maggie

So it is
That you rest in peace
Your time with us cherished
The two of you,
In our hearts and minds to keep

We love you Mia
We love you Lachlan

To this day, even though it’s not meant to be like this - when the appropriate opportunity arises I still share these same stories, pictures, hopes and dreams. It’s unfortunate as a father of deceased children that these stories, pictures, hopes and dreams will never change. There will be no updated photos to hang around the house, no first steps to encourage, no conversations filled with baby babble or no paintings to decipher.

Recently the nine-year-old daughter of our friends inexplicably and unexpectedly died. At her funeral I said to her Dad “It sucks to be THAT Dad”. We’re fortunate to have Harrison and Poppy with us now but you will always be THAT father - the father whose kids have died, the father who will have people second guess if they should talk about new born babies or new born twins, the father who will have people be taken aback when you mention the names of your dead children. In time you learn to deal with this.

How do you deal with it though? It totally depends on you. I told myself that I now had to adjust to a new type of normal and that there is know right or wrong in my situation. I’ve never felt like this before and no one else has every felt like I have or do, because they’re not me. When hearing about our story many people respond by saying “I don’t know what to say”. To them I would say, “I don’t know what I want to hear, so I don’t expect you to know what to say”. Perhaps because of this I felt the best way for me to deal with my emotions was when I had time on my own, it’s not that I’m afraid of showing my emotions I just don’t feel as though anyone knows exactly how I felt or feel. For me - a long run, a long bike ride or time on my own to listen to music was and is my therapy. It was a chance to cherish what I have and imagine what could have been. Soon after Mia and Lachlan died, I decided it was best not to seek any answers, as in my mind there didn’t sound like there were any and if there were answers, then there is a greater chance that this wouldn’t have happened to my family.

What I have just detailed was juxtaposed to my wife and because of this, in the first couple of months after Mia and Lachlan’s death we did a fair bit of bickering. It was lucky we had the innocence of a three year old in our house to help us keep things together and adjust to the new type of normal. We also had amazing support from our families. When Mari and I realized there is no right or wrong way to deal with our feelings and that we were going about handling our emotions in totally different ways it was probably when we started moving forward -!together. It’s a situation like this that amplifies the differences in men and women.

I will always miss Mia and Lachlan but I have and expect that I will always have days, where my sense of missing and emptiness is more apparent. These days are not confined to birthdays or what could have been milestone days, they’re also random days or moments in time. It’s usually when I’m alone and it can be an opportunity to cry, an opportunity to tune out to the world around me, an opportunity to listen to the songs I now call Mia and Lachlan’s songs or look at the pictures that we have and think about what could have been – the length of hair, the colour of eyes, what type of football would have been kicked or how our four kids would have played together.

I often say you never move on from losing your children but you do have to continue to move forward and you always take your children with you and do the best you can for them, whatever or however that may be.